I think I know what my problem is. It’s a simple problem to define, but not so simple to solve. I don’t like being anywhere at a specified time. I don’t like to stay anywhere for a set amount of time. I want to come and go as I please. I want control of my time… period. Is that so hard to understand?
I know that there’s nothing special about that desire. Everyone wants to control their time. My problem is the “crazy” that starts bubbling up in me whenever I feel trapped somewhere. I start getting irrational when I feel trapped. I simply desire mobility.
I can remember standing in the back of a semi trailer when I worked for the now defunct Roadway Packaging Systems. I was a truck loader. I stood at the end of a giant conveyor belt while box after box rolled my way. I was supposed to: 1. take the box, 2. look for the last three digits of the destination zip code, 3. write the digits on the box with a red wax pencil and 4. stack the box in the front of the trailer.
As the boxes rolled my way I would catch glimpses of the sky between the brick wall and the trailer opening. I wanted nothing more than to squeeze myself into the six inch space and escape. That day I fought this desire until my lunch break. At lunch I called work from a pay phone and quit my job without explanation. There was no good reason, but I had to quit. After I hung up the phone I went to a city park where I used to play as a child at sat under the open sky for an hour. I felt weightless.
No matter where I work this desire to be free lies in wait, just under the surface. When I was a Kinko’s delivery driver I enjoyed a nice level of freedom, but even then I would fantasize about driving away in the delivery truck. Just keep going north on 75 and figure out the rest later.
Now I find myself behind this computer. My view of the world for eight hours a day is through a computer monitor. I can see what the weather is like at weather.com, because there are no windows in this small office. I’m stuck in this chair each day, and I talk to people almost exclusively over the phone or IM… rarely face to face. I can feel the crazy bubbling up a little more each day.
I’m no longer in the place where I can just walk out and go sit in a park. I have little people who depend on me. These little folks keep me sane… or at least responsible. For that I thank them.
My escape will need to be better planned this time, and it will need to have some staying power. This is part of dropping off the grid for me. I need to find a way to generate income while avoiding a position within corporate America.
There are options. More to come.