I am completely blown away by the events of the past couple of years. If I look back on June 2008, I was living a completely different life. This time last year we had been in Bedford long enough to develop a way of living there. We had mapped out our daily routines, and things were going… well, they were okay.
Last year at this time I was on vacation from work, and installing a fence in the yard of a house that I was fairly confident I’d be in for the next 5 or 10 years. I was honestly planning to watch my oldest, Andy, graduate from the same high school where I graduated. There were no real signs at work that I’d be on half-time within a month or so, and that I’d be scrounging to pay bills and feed my family by the fall. At that point we were all just getting by. Everything was pretty calm, I suppose. It may have been the best of the time we spent in Texas.
I think that “just getting by” does actually define the best of the times we had in Texas. We never found the place where we were actually “living.” An odd thing is that there didn’t seem to be a real change in the atmosphere after moving. In Tulsa we were “just getting by” before we moved.
This whole thing is getting confusing to me… please hold.
I say all of this to try to explain the change in my life since we moved back to Tulsa. I am content here. I wasn’t before, and I wasn’t in Texas. It must be that I have looked over the edge of the cliff. That I even got close enough to SEE over the edge of the cliff. I faced challenges and pressure that I have never faced before. I was in a place of complete helplessness. I could not buy a gallon of milk for my kids to have with their breakfast. It was horrible. As the primary provider for my family I was failing miserably, and the shame was a heavy load. I had dragged my family away from everything they knew and loved to live in squalor. Nice job, Steve.
Anyway…
Life away from the edge is peaceful, and I am content to live within my means for as long as I can. We again live in the modest home that my wife and I picked out when Andy was 3 months old… our “starter home”… way back in 2001. We have some history there, and I can afford it. It’s where I really live now, rather than just a stopping point on the way to the next level. Sure, there’s only one bathroom, but it doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it once did. It’s 900-something square feet of peace. One day we may need something bigger, but for now it’s perfect.
It’s funny, the aimless ambition that had haunted me for so many years was starved out in Texas. Now I live at the core of my being. I live a basic life. If I can comfortably provide a roof and food for my family, then I am at peace.
I know this was a rambling, and almost incoherent post, but there’s a lot that I haven’t processed yet. Final word… I am content… I am happy.