Final Gravity

Today I was in Dallas in the lobby of a client. I was waiting for the rest of my team from work to show up for a meeting when two guys entered the lobby. They were waiting for a meeting as well. While they sat I couldn’t help but listen in on their conversation.

One of the men was living in Austin, but he was originally from Oklahoma. They were talking about how much the cities around Texas are growing. They were talking about how bad the traffic was getting, and generally the downside to all of this population boom. The man from Oklahoma then said that he was from Tulsa, but he doesn’t get back often enough. He said, “Tulsa is just one of those quintesential small cities that is perfect for raising a family.” This statement blew me away, considering the turn of events in my life right now.

About two weeks ago Sarah and I remembered a conversation that we had before leaving Tulsa. We were not able to sell our house, so we rented it out. Before we left we said that it was really a good thing that we weren’t able to sell, because if things weren’t working out in a year we could just go back.

A year later, things are not working out very well here, and we are going back. I’m so glad we didn’t sell that house! I’ll recap the “year of suck” later, but for now we are heading back to Tulsa. The big house is history, and it’s back to a small, sweet and humble existance.

That man hit the nail on the head regarding Tulsa, and I feel good about this decision.

When the moving van rolled away from our house in Tulsa almost a year ago I had it in my mind that we’d give it a year in Texas before selling the Tulsa house. I figured that this was mostly a sentimental decision. I didn’t want to let go of the house just yet because of the memories. The fact that we couldn’t sell it was actually a relief to me. This would all work itself out though. We’d sell it eventually. After all, we were going to the Promised Land. It was flowing with milk and honey. There was no way that things couldn’t go well in Texas… especially compared to Tulsa. We’d be able to unload the house in a year, after the ice storm of 2007 was a distant memory.

Here we are… a year later and things are not great. The job I left town for has dried up, and we’ve been living hand-to-mouth for the last 6 months or so. The ice storm was replaced by a financial storm that has hit the entire country. I’ve been looking for other work that will support our huge mortgage payment here and nothing is really panning out on a permanent basis. I have a smattering of freelance work along with the half-salary from Brown. We haven’t been able to find a church community where we fit really in. We are either too conservative or too liberal… or just weird. Here we are… a year later and I actually had the conversation with Sarah this morning about the possibility of moving back. Now everything is even worse.

Now I have no confidence in my decision making ability. Lately when I do something that I think is right, it turns out to be wrong. And when it’s wrong, my wife and kids are effected. It’s not just me.

I should have taken the job at the Tulsa World.

This morning if I could flip a switch and go back to a little over a year ago, I would go without hesitation. When I arrived I would be typing an email to a very nice lady at the Tulsa World. This time instead of turning down a very nice job offer from the very nice lady, I would be accepting it.

I can remember that decision as being a very tough one. On one side, I had a solid job offer with a reputable company, the Tulsa World. The pay was more than what I was getting in my previous job and the people seemed very nice. The downside to this decision was the feeling of stagnation that I had been living with in Tulsa for the previous year or so. I felt like I needed a change… a big change. That was the main part of the motivation to accept a job offering in Dallas instead. The money was much more in Dallas, and there was something very exciting about going to work in a Dallas advertising agency. It was the promise of adventure that guided my decision. Knowing what I know now, I wish that I could have a “do-over.”

Here I am a year later and the exciting job in Dallas, 1.) wasn’t that exciting to begin with, and 2.) basically disappeared after 6 months. I didn’t know this when I was brought on board, but they hadn’t sold but one web site when they brought me on. It turned out that they didn’t sell anymore after that, at least until very recently.

Now the situation I find myself in is less than appealing. We live in a house that is twice as expensive as the one we left, and I do not have a stable source of income to support this new expense. Also, we cannot seem to find a community where we really fit in. We’ve been to three different churches over the last year, and none of them have been a match. It’s just been very rough, and this is not what I expected.

I suppose this is the allure of the adventure. There is risk involved. That’s the Siren’s Song. That is the thing that will cause a person like me to be drawn out of a place of comfort into a tempest that seems to have no end.

Since there is no “do-over” button, what can be found here? I cannot just go back to Tulsa. We are planted firmly enough as to take that option off of the table for awhile, even though we still own our old house in Tulsa. At the end of the day I need to find some upside in this situation. I think there is some to be found.

OK… upside… even though this a rough period, I do feel invigorated by the challenge. The stagnation that I was battling in Tulsa is definitely gone. It has been replaced by a storm that requires my full attention. Even when I am weary I still feel that challenge urging me forth. These times of challenge are the times when we grow. I hope that I am growing though this experience. I hope that this experience is raising my game to the next level.

Upside two… I do like the house and the neighborhood where we now live. Andy, Grace and Jonah can play outside without us worrying about a car doing 50 will speed through and kill everyone. The cul-de-sac is quiet and it seems like a great place for us. The house is cozy, and I have a fireplace. These are good things… although, sometime I wish that this house was in Tulsa.

Upside three… professionally I am gaining valuable experience. This past month I’ve been working with Frito-Lay on programming their corporate blog. This is a pretty big client, and I think that this experience will lead to good places, especially when we find ourselves heading back to Tulsa eventually.

That’s probably the silver lining on this situation. I have adopted the attitude that I am away at school. It may take a few years, but I feel confident that we’ll end up back in Tulsa one day, and this time here in DFW will prove to have been indispensable. This time here has already led me to appreciate the tiny life that we had in Tulsa. The fact that everything was small in Tulsa once bugged me, but now I see the beauty of a simple life there. Not much going on, but that’s alright.

The bottom line is that I need to learn what I need to learn while I’m here, and not waste this opportunity. If I keep this attitude then I think I’ll be alright.

So, having said all of this, would I still flip the swtich? Yes, I think that I would. Then I’d be back to feeling restless again, and I’d probably make another decision to “shake things up.” I would not have learned a thing. I guess we’re all fortunate that we can’t have a “do-over” that easily, or we’d never really learn anything.